Down . . . but not out?
So I've been down in the dumps lately. I'm feeling fat. I'm feeling un-loved. I'm feeling useless basically. I don't know why I'm spreading this around on a public forum, other than I hope (maybe) someone will have some suggestions other than "Just do it!" and actually offer something useful. I don't know what it is, but I'm just not motivated by much of anything right now. I bought a cool road bike late last year that I've put about 70 miles on so far, but it feels like I should be around 300 miles. I agreed to do a ride with friends of mine, Steve and Brandon and bailed on it today. Well, really I bailed on it a couple weeks ago, I forgot I had agreed to sit a model home open for a friend of mine. So poor scheduling is somewhat to blame, but I doubt I would have gone anyway. I didn't train at all for it. Brandon took to it like a mad man and put like a thousand miles a day on his bike. OK, maybe a bit of an over exaggeration, but I really felt like I would have just held Brandon and Steve back. So now that the ride is over and Steve has posted his results, I can't help but be happy for them, but inside I'm beating myself up for being such a loser. I should have committed to doing it and I should have trained despite the weather, and despite the little voices in my head. But I didn't. Again.The housing market is slowing down around the Puget Sound, so this would be a really good time to pick up some new business. You'd think. I have all kinds of ideas for how to build my business and take it to the next level this year, but I'm sitting on the fence not implementing any of them. I'm in the same mode of prior years of just waiting for the business to come to me. Well, it's not that kind of market any longer and I need to get my @$$ in gear and go after it. I don't know whats holding me back, other than me.
In December, Teri and I bought a new Precor elliptical trainer. The thought was I'd be on it 3 days a week for 30 - 60 minutes and get me in shape this year. Well it's been over a month since I've been on it. And it's just down the hall from our bedroom. WTF? I'm in a funk, of epic proportions it would seem. I always feel like the outsider. I think I'm well on my way to my 1st heart attack, a stroke, diabetes, or maybe all 3? I think they call that a trifecta . . . .
Even when Brandon, Steve and I get together for a bike ride, I feel like I'm the odd man out. I feel like I'm holding them back and then I take it personally when the two of them get together for a ride and don't invite me. No matter we live nearly 30 miles apart and they only live a couple miles from each other. I feel like they're saying "we can sneak this one in and not have to wait for John this time" No, I know that's not what they're saying, but still . . .
I feel like Teri and I are not connecting as well as we should be for a couple about to get married (68 days and counting). We had a delightful day yesterday, I thought. We went to the Home Show in Seattle and walked around there for 3 hours. Then we visited "Bodies, The Exhibition" and finally ended up at Tutta Bella for Pizza in Wallingford. It was a good day, but I just feel disconnected from her somehow.
And then there's my weight. It's back up to about 333 . . . and I'm eating as much as ever. I pay like 30 bucks a month for Weight Watchers and 50 for a gym membership and fail to attend either. I have (as of Thursday) cut soda out of my diet however. I'm drinking a lot of water each day and that DOES make me feel better, even slightly. It just seems as though I'm in a rut and have no clue how to get out. I've been listening to positive things on my car stereo. Like Brian Buffini, Jack Canfield, Tony Schwartz, etc. etc. But nothing seems to break through. I'm not sure what it's going to take. I've been told to see a therapist (SS) but I don't want drugs. I don't want happy pills. To me they just cover the problem without ever really solving anything. (My apologies to those of you on happy pills that love them, it's just not for me).
Again, not sure why I'm posting this . . . but I am. Sorry, I know my blog posts are usually pretty upbeat. Sorry to be such a downer. Any suggestions are greatly appreciated.
Ciao. . . .
- j